Living Chronically Online
I am mature enough to admit that I have an obsession with being online and/or my phone. You can’t entirely blame me. That is today’s culture. It is what is expected of me. Thankfully, I come from a generation that still looks down on avid phone users. These people keep me in check and remind me that there is much more than just my phone. I know there is much more than just my phone.
It is not that I am bored. I have a plethora of hobbies, talents, and friends. I read, watch anime, game, paint, legos, hang out with friends, write, etc. I make sure I spend a lot of my time doing these activities and exercising my creative juices. The problem is I work- A lot. I have two jobs and go to school. On days that I work double and complete homework for class, I do not turn towards my creative hobbies to relieve stress. I turn towards my phone so I can turn off my brain and mindlessly scroll for hours. I have trained my body to want this. I have trained it to think that the only way I can relax is to be on my phone. I reward myself with watching tiktoks. I hate that. I don’t know when this became a reward system for myself. When did I start turning to my phone, instead of playing my games or reading my books?
I have been trying to read more this year. I want to tear through books like I used to and through making this conscious step toward reading, I have made many connections with the people around me. People my age are still avid readers and this encourages me to do it more. I have already read atleast seven books since the beginning of the year and I even attended a book conference for one of my favorite authors. I am romanticizing this transition for myself.
We were not meant to be attached to our devices like we are. We were made to connect with the world around us. I was made to create art and be art and live art. I want to romanticize my life and be proud of my routine. I want to live in the present and connect with everything around me. I want to gain knowledge from books, that can I use in conversations and pass onto my siblings. I want to hear perspectives I have never experienced and walk paths I have always wanted to walk.
I enjoy sharing my thoughts, art, and body online. Yes, I like the attention but its more than just that. It’s a different way of connecting. Devices give us the ability to reach others across vast distances and vast differences. Sharing my innerworkings makes others feel less alone and feels therapeutic to release into the world. Showing my body forces me to embrace myself and love who I am. It shows my form in a way I cannot see it on the daily. Sometimes, it’s hard. The dangers of sharing yourself online is negativety and opinions. Whether wanted or not, people will give their opinions. Sometimes, it hurts and I can obsess over these meaningless comments. It eats at your insides and poisons your veins. You are more than what the internet says. At the end of the day, it is just another human being on the other side of that screen. We are all just human beings behind a screen. It’s important we don’t use this as another way of tearing each other down.
The thought of being attached to my phone is embarrassing. I don’t want to be known as the girl that always has her phone in her phone. I don’t want to be that girl that can’t live without it. And when I really think about it, the part I am most connected to is the ability to contact my loved ones directly. Not having access to my peers and my family is heart wrenching. But I can read, draw, paint, or whatever my heart desires to do. I want to learn more to those things than anything else. I want to lean towards human connection over anything else. Without my phone, I should still be me, not a girl lost without her electronics. I want to be a girl that thrives off of the natural world and those that inhabit it. That is fulfilling and worthwhile. That is a good product of my time. That is what I strive for.
